Staring into a laptop screen for the most of his day off wasn’t the best way to spend his free time, but he found serenity in isolation. Binge-watching YouTube and scrolling through his Facebook news feed kept his mind occupied. He had a lot going on in his mind lately, especially for the past two weeks, and the last thing he needed was to start feeling depressed again. It was a day off after all, even depression needs to take a break.
A nice stretch on his chair before he shut his laptop off. He still had to buy breakfast for tomorrow. Early morning lectures wouldn’t allow him to enjoy a nice long breakfast at the café. He grabbed his room keys and wallet, stepped into his bright-orange “toilet slippers”, and walked towards the store, just half a kilometer away from his dorm room. After walking for minutes on the long brick road and arriving at the store, he bought some snacks and a cup of noodles before walking back to his room.
And then he saw her. Sitting at a corner near the store. Deep down inside, he was hoping to catch a glimpse of her that night. He knows her very well. He knew she would be around this late in the night.
She isn’t the most beautiful of them all, but she’s considerably good looking. She’s not the most popular of the bunch, but she has her fair share of glamour. She is charming in a sense, but it’s more of how easily approachable she is. The way she talks to a person, the way she talks to him, it always makes him feel like he’s someone important to her, someone significant to her. She always has a smile on her face when she talks to him, always cheerful. She loves making funny faces during conversations, and she has the cutest laugh that would make his mind go blank for seconds. Some would say she’s a little crazy and childish in her behavior, but it’s her craziness that reminds him of how life is still enjoyable and entertaining, a life out of depression.
He envies her – he’s jealous of how cheerful a person could be. No matter how bad the day is for her, she would still make it at the end, with a huge smile on her face. But at the same time, he has feelings for her. He doesn’t deny it. There are feelings, but he doesn’t know if it’s really the feeling of love, or if it’s just a mere attraction. After all, he’s quite experienced when it comes to love life. Three to four bad relationships throughout high school gave him a clear understanding of what falling in love was like. He’s emotionally damaged by so many unhappy endings that he decided he was not ready to love anytime soon. But the more he sees her each day, the more attached he gets.
He also has one thing to worry about: she wouldn’t feel the same way. He knows the type of guys she’s into, and he certainly was nowhere near her taste. What if she knows how he feels about her? Would she feel the same? Or would their friendship come to an end just like that? And he’d go back to his old life of solitude, diverting his mind to other important things, suppressing his sorrow and sadness. All he ever knew was a lifelong night time walk in the dark, where the cold shadows embraced him and kept him from happiness. She’s the bright light that lights up his darkness, giving him a sense of direction, making him see what he couldn’t see in life – the beauty of being alive.